Transitivity

            

A lexicographer once told me that any English noun could properly be used as a transitive verb. I said I wanted to dictionary him in the face.

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The vig

            

By the way, the vicious rumor that I sold 49% of my soul to the Devil is 99% true.

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Notes

            

A real man always carries cash. At best it's your bribe, at worst your rolling papers.

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Stand your ground

            

Ah, that magical land where you can pick a fight and claim self-defense. Wait, are we talking Florida or Iraq?

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Delicious

            

When I eat strawberries, I like to pretend they're the wizened hearts of my enemies. Ah, memories.

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Changing with the times

            

Last time I looked at a facebook was at that plastic surgeon's in Thailand. But you can find me there now, for better or probably worse.

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Tweeting

            

I was microblogging before microblogging existed. We called it writing on the bathroom wall.

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Hermit

            

Call me a pop-culture idiot, but I thought Britney Spears was a male porn star from northwest France.

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Walk a mile

            

It's too bad someone can't rape Todd Akin or Paul Ryan and get them pregnant.

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Thanks

            

I'll never forget the day you gave me your heart. Thank God for that car accident.

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The Accidental Terrorist 30th Anniversary Sale

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